For my Friend AW,
Someone I know, and love is gone now. Emotions were felt, words were said, tear were shed. Then I found myself amongst those who mourned her … [on Zoom! Fuck Covid, right?], and I felt I had no business being there. Surely, they were closer to my Friend than I ever was. So, my judgemental Self thought “who was I to express my puny sorrow while they were burdened with immense grief?”
Yet, I stayed. I didn’t think I would say anything; only a few articulated their feelings. Some were shattered and it may take them some time to rebuild. Some were unable to comprehend the impermanence of life… Ignorance is bliss, right? But amazingly, I found myself in the most humane experience since 2019. Apart from intimately getting to know people I hadn’t even met in person, I also got to know my Friend more intimately. The host of this therapeutic circle, who I know loves my Friend as dearly as one ever could, explained how sometimes the Self has a “public-persona” and a “private-persona”. And for most people, they are distinct.
Intuitively, it seems that the more distinct these two personas are, the more violent is their fight for dominance. Sometimes in this fight, one’s personality and sense of being gets fragmented in an unrepairable way. It may take just one experience, or a series of events; a handful of traumatic situations, or maybe just some randomly expressed genes. And sometimes there’s no reason at all. Each one of our souls is on such a spectrum from ‘just about intact’ to ‘completely disintegrated’, easily affected by internal and external changes. I don’t know what changed with my Friend. No one ever can. But that’s ok.
In fact, it’s not just ok, it’s transcendental. My Friend had her own adventures, and her own experiences of happiness and sadness. Her own way to brainstorm and chat, and her own guilty-pleasures and pet-peeves. Her own cool and twisted relationships, her own lofty ambitions, her own professional accomplishments, and her own life’s end. A life well lived. So, whether I like it or not, I respect my Friend’s decision. But it still leaves the rest of us broken and confused, with our own inner battles trying to make sense of this senseless world.
So, we quote lessons from Psych 101 to make each other feel better. We all know the theory behind “open communication” and “journal writing”, “stages of mourning” and “decay of memories”. From Tanmay Bhatt’s ‘Honesty’ series, we understand the neuroscience behind serotonin and dopamine, cytokines, and anandamide; and this is solid science, just with limited practicability. And although we have ample research that explains more and more psychological phenomena in more and more complex ways, we still find ourselves stretched thin between our two personas. A constant state of tension in every situation — work, relationships, health, passions. Forever oscillating between the strain of doing the “right” thing, and the anxiety of failure that comes with it. I think my Friend was caught between these two, too. I think not just her, but much of humanity is torn between their public and private personas as the two become more and more distinct. Thanks, Social Media! /s
True bliss, lasting happiness only exists in the UNION of one’s public and private personas, in the realisation of the Self as enough and absolute, both privately and publicly, and just as it is. My Friend struggled to achieve this, and it aches me that I could not help. Maybe this write-up serves to help someone else — don’t be in a hurry to end your life, whatever the circumstances. Death will come to all anyway. It is the ONLY common denominator of EACH & EVERY life that’s lived. Instead, find a way to live with a nonchalant detachment from your expectations. Let emotions wash over you as waves, but then also allow them to pass over you to reach calmer waters. Feel elation at your achievements and frustration at your failures, but then allow these emotions to move you to action… don’t let them drive your long-term psyche. Instead, root yourself in the unchanging Self, let your Self guide your fleeting emotions and thoughts, let your Self be the master of your body, mind and intellect. Understand that everything is transient. Health and youth are transient. Happiness and sadness are transient. Success and failure are transient. Life is transient. And so is Death.
“After all, to the well-organised mind, death is nothing but the next great adventure.” - Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore
